literature

Things Isaak von Kampfer May Not Do

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Literature Text

 

  1. I must resist the urge to play “The Imperial March” whenever Lord Cain walks into the room.

  2. The same applies to “One Winged Angel”.

  3. I am not allowed to feed Guderian dog food.

  4. It doesn’t matter if he actually likes dog food; Guderian is a lycanthrope, not a dog.

  5. I am forbidden from clicker-training Gunderian.

  6. Or Dietrich. 

  7. Or Lord Cain.

  8. Suleyman’s ring is not his “Precious”.

  9. Nor is it “the One Ring to rule them all”

  10. I am not the rape child of Alucard and Rip van Winkle.

  11. Lord Cain is “Mein Herr”, not “Herr Major”.

  12. Dietrich is not Walter C. Dornez.

  13. Cardinal di Medici is not Enrico Maxwell.

  14. I may no longer send “friendly little letter[s]” to the Pope “to inform [him] of [his] imminent demise”.

  15. Hilarious as they may be, such letters attract unnecessary attention to the Rosenkreuz Orden.

  16. My daily allowance of wine is limited to two glasses; four on birthdays and holidays.

  17. Regardless of my alcohol tolerance or the durability of Methuselah livers; I cannot think or act at top capacity while drunk. 

  18. I am not the Phantom of the Opera.

  19. I am permitted to sing in the shower, just not during daylight hours.

  20. For some reason, falling asleep to “Point of No Return” gives Dietrich nightmares.    

  21. I am not “bringing sexy back”.

  22. No matter how many fangirls would beg to differ.

  23. Freaking out Dietrich is a worthy cause, but planting yaoi on Esther’s computer is not the way to further it.

  24. Hiring strippers-male or female-for Orden meetings is out of the question.

  25. If the thought of something makes me cackle maniacally, I must presume that I should never do/have that thing unless explicitly ordered otherwise.  

                       
After "Things Abel Nightroad May Not Do" became my most popular deviation to date(though that isn't saying much), I decided to crap out this shorter, stupider sequel. THIS IS CRACK-PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
Number 23 was derived from the comments section of Dietrich found out about Yaoi.
I don't own Trinity Blood, Star Wars, Final Fantasy VII, The Lord of the Rings, The Phantom of the Opera, or the song Sexy Back. I especially don't own Hellsing Abridged, though Hellsing Abridged owns my soul.
© 2015 - 2024 The-Last-Sea-Serpent
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MidnightChangeling's avatar
Nice. And I can see why falling asleep to "Point of no Return" would affect poor Diet's dreams.